FREAK ME OUT

2009-02-04T06:29:00.000-08:00

Looking back to my post of a year ago, I realise that I've grown up. As a person, I mean.
I HAVE let my parents down and what touched me the most is the amount of parental love the same noble people who gave life to me have continued showering me with, despite the countless times that I have gone against them and slammed their own words right in their faces.

Dad, mummy, I'm sorry.

Other words simply escape me - nothing can express the amount of remorse I feel for what I've done. I just wish that there could be some way to reimburse them of their pain. When I see how much my mum has aged in just the last couple of years, or how my dad's condition has worsened, I ask myself over and over again, is this all worth it?

The short answer is of course a resounding NO.

But as with most other problems, I face a fierce dilemma and am at a loss for words, ideas, solutions. How do I get my life back on track and confront the problem? I kow it's there, people tell me it's there, but WHY can't I just bloody get rid of it?

I'm standing in between 2 walls, each with a 50 inch, razor-sharp point staring point-blank, back at me. Any closer and I'll be crushed to death. I can't breathe.

You say you love me, but do you, really?
I'm tired of being the one who's always there, to always catch you when you fall, be there to assist when you're in trouble, coax you when you're in one of those moods.
I'm sick of feeling terribly alone, even though you're right next to me.

Just feeling jaded.

2009-02-04T06:21:00.000-08:00

I don't feel the same way anymore.
Maybe it's not supposed to work out after all.
If I can only trace who's to blame,
Then I will finally smuff out this last flame.

2008-01-18T07:34:00.001-08:00

And now..

I've finally gotten past the FIRST week of school. Damn, FOURTEEN more of this??!!!

It's been quite a week indeed. That talk with my parents yet again and their suggestion that i see a psychologist because i'm ABNORMAL bugs the hell out of me.
Firstly, just because i've decided to come to terms with my own sexuality after nearly a decade of hiding in fear and guilt of my own feelings doesnt mean that i'm any less of a human than anyone else is.
In fact, i'd like to think that people like me, who have come out to others who hold the utmost importance in their hearts are worth more so now than before.
At the very least, we've got the COURAGE and SELF-WORTH to come to terms with it and not leave in constant denial. I know that it may seem too much of a blow to you, but i hope that you'll eventually come to accept me for who i am, if not for the fact that you're my parents, that you've brought me up for 19 odd years now.

Speaking of which, i really don't understand why you believe so much in that dumb, cliched maxim of yours. That one can only slowly learn to do good in 3 years and yet, can undo all of that learning in just 3 days. WHAT CRAP!!!
If you're CONCERNED enough for the past 5 years or so, you, as my parents, WOULD HAVE noticed that i wasnt happy being who i was and that it was all forced camaraderie. You WOULD'NT have automatically ASSUMED that my friends from UNIVERSITY led me astray just because of the MERE COINCIDENCE that i've decided to come out to you this year.

Would YOU have been so encouraging of my JC friends if i'd come out in my final year then?
FOOLS!!!

How many gazillion times do i need to explain to you? I reinstate once again that i truly do understand your shock and utter disappointment, guilt and shame, even, for having me, your child, as a lesbian. But am i less of a human than YOU?
If you can think out of that TINY, MINISCULE window of yours, and see that the world is more diverse than you'd have thought, and that many things are fluid and flexible, perhaps you'd realise that I, as your daughter, has indeed matured into a THINKING, RATIONAL adult, and it's not a fucking PHASE, as it may seem to you.

You said that i'm the root of all the problems that have been surfacing recently, i say bullshit.
It's your lack of adaptibility and stubborness that's making life so difficult for all of us. It's not as if i havent tried to level with you, you just wouldn't listen.

Get out, didnt you say to me?
Fine, i'll get out of your lives once i'm financially able to.
I swear. And yes, maybe i SHOULD go see a psychologist/psychiatrist because you drive me up the wall. And no, i didnt choose to be on this route.

God made me who i am. YOU made me who i am.
So who's to blame? Me or you?

~ti amo

2008-01-09T09:17:00.000-08:00

I.HAVE.NO.LIFE.

ZERO.NADA.

Everything i do is getting to be so routine and humdrum, it's driving me up the wall. Yeah, the same wall that i get driven up every single time i get emo and tell myself to stop feeling sorry for myself and actually get up and do something to rectify it.

Theoretically.

Plus, it really doesn't help that the new semester's starting in a matter of days. to be honest, i'm DEFINITELY not ready to go back to school, attending lectures and rushing through tight deadlines and crazy schedules.

One word. MADNESS!!

I won't be able to spend as much time with LP next week already cos she'll be occupied with work at the new company while i'll be performing a major feat by splitting myself into several places, namely school, and the homes of 3 very uhm..different tutees while juggling my other commitments like friends and family.

Bahh. I'm getting depressed again just by mentioning the last thing. Yes, the F word.
I haven't spouted a single word to my either of my parents in days although we're living under the same roof. I havent seen my sister in days either and the only one i see everyday is my maid.
How bad can things get you ask?

Oh, pretty dire, i say.
I see my mum-in-law more than my own mum and i've even forgotten how my DAD sounds like. CHEEEEEEEEE!!

*AHEM*

ANYWAYS, i've been spending loads of time with LP since erm..i dunno when? We watched I Am Legend at cine yesterday and caught the evening slot for Queen Lizzie today, the latter cos there werent any other shows that were of any remote interest to the both of us. Frankly speaking, the flick wasnt all that good either. Rather blah, without any of the sizzle and fizzle that makes me tick. TEH!! Next please!

Oh oh, and LP got her lashes done today!
Like FINALLY~ (with a bimbotic -LY to it)
She looks so sweet and pretty now luh!
Shemakesmemelt.

=D

Well, i gotta go pee now and wait..it's (checks the clock) 2 am now so TATA!!

ZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

2007-12-18T10:06:00.000-08:00

*ahem*

THIS IS A RARE UPDATE IN VIEW OF THE FESTIVE SEASON AND THEREFORE ABUNDANT FREE TIME DUE TO THE BLOG OWNER'S LACKLUSTRE ENTHUSIAM IN FINDING WORK.

ALL DISCLAIMERS ARE THEREFORE DIECLAIMED FIRST.

It's been almost what, 2 months since yours truly here had the time to type in anything to post online.
Yes, not even the singular word "anything'.

The process of logging in, typing out the word, posting it seemed too exhausting and impossible at the time when i was rushing deadlines for project presentations, mugging up for quizzes and then the finals, spending time with my gf and entertaining familial committments (albeit not that often).

Now that the finals are over and not even a trace of work from the preparation for our presentations lingers, i'm finally free to delegate time for myself. Laopo got a job at her friend's workplace and i really hope it will work out for her because it's going to be a huge step for the betterment of our future together. I really hope that it'll not be like the last time round when it was all too fleetingly soon that she decided to throw in the towel and call it quits.
Her getting involved in a full time office job also gives me some breathing space and allows me the opportunity to spend some down time with friends.

TIME TO CATCH UP, BABES!!

Just went to do my xmas shopping with xiaomei and i've managed to buy gifts for just about everyone in my clique at school. Hope they'll appreciate what i got for them!

Going to stay over at grandma's tmr night if i dont feel like going home. It's just another means of getting to spend time with her after sooooo long and catch up! Hari Raya celebrations (we so wanna be like the malays and celebrate the festival luh! =_= ) at her place on thurs! Prob gg to accompany laopo to mummy Sean's house tt night or go watch po perform at Zouk.

Nothing on Fri! Need to dig out some babes to go hang out tgt! =D

Chalet on sat and sun! Hope the ones who said they'll turn up actually do so and bring the stuff with em! Going to attend my very first midnight mass at a church with laopo!

All i want for xmas is... : for my parents to come to terms with who i am and understand what i'm going through. I don't ask for acceptance but i just hope for them not to be giving me hell all the while. It'll be hard on me too.
And please, show my other half some respect. Treat her as you would treat my other half regardless of the gender. I really don't see what the big deal is. As long as we both love each other, does gender really matter?

Straight couples get STDs. They are as prone to getting AIDS as much as us lesbians. Gay men probably more but get this, I'M NOT A GAY MAN. I don't indulge in promiscuous sex and neither does my partner so if that's what you're so hung up about, let me just set the record straight once and for all. WE'RE CLEAN.

Straight couples may eventually file for a divorce even if they DO get married so i don't see what the fuss is about getting married. (although laopo will probably kill me for saying this cos she wants me us to get married eventually. EEPS! The dreaded C word.)
The adminstrative stuff is enough to make you wanna tear your hair out as it is, fighting and lobbying for civil rights is a bore. With a capital B.

Straight couples may have relationships as volatile as lesbian and gay couples (although WE have much more FUN making up/out after the storm! HEH!) so don't give me crap about how lesbian relationships are so shallow and they tend to not work out eventually.

etc etc etc..

So children, be magnanimous, open up your heart and mind and be enlightened. Sexuality is fluid. Gender is merely a physical characteristic, one that is akin to one's hair colour, skin tone and the like. It does not dictate what love is about because love is an art so abstract, to restrict its manifestations should be a SIN in itself as forcing 2 lovers apart is comparable to breaking up a family.

Be proud, stand up loud.

~ti amo

2007-10-20T10:38:00.000-07:00

Much has happened since our virgin meeting nearly 2 months ago.

In retrospect, it HAS been quite a miraculous journey. We met in the strangest of places and with a clash of fate, we got acquainted and before we knew it, our wonderous love affair kicked off, albeit not exactly with a bang but more of a resounding string of i'm sorry i loved yous. 4 (or was it 5?) breakups in 2 months may not be a good sign of our future to come but it definitely taught me to appreciate you a lot more and treat you in the way that you deserve, not like garbage, as a CERTAIN SOMEONE has so kindly pointed out (to you).

Bitterness aside, thank you, SOMEONE, for being there for us when issues arise and arguments seemed endless. I guess i'm just being taken over by Mr Green Eyed monster and that explains the bitterness.

You've sacrificed much for me, now's the time for me to make things right.

20th October 2007. Our new beginning.

I promise i won't stray and play around anymore.

Let this be the start of something new,
it feels so right to be here with you.
My knees they yield,
And with love, our passion renewed.

The more i look into your eyes,
the softer they become
and it's as if i can see your life story unfold,
as my inhibitons come undone.

I love you more with each passing day.

This is i swear.

Let our love be forever. Until my life is through...come what may.

2007-10-12T21:46:00.000-07:00

Baby i will wait for you.
Cos i don't know what else I can do.
Don't tell me you ran out of time.
If it takes the rest of my life.

2007-10-11T21:20:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was National Coming Out Day in the states.

Happy Coming Out, everyone!

Or not..?

I've made up MY mind.

2007-10-11T03:17:00.000-07:00

Yes, it's rant time. Biatch from hell is back and fiercer than ever cos there's been a 2-month pile-up of frustration and spite and darling, something's gotta give.

Go now if you want, it's a free world. Tonight.

Yes fuck to you, miss ____ cos i fucking hate your disgusting fake lashies and the way you stick your stubbornly single eyelids to your upper lid line to fake double eyelids cos it's just so fucking revolting, the way you look.

Fuck to you too, you random stranger from the streets who stared at me as if you haven't seen a cute andro/bung like me before. If you'd take a moment's rest to stop staring till your eyeballs are ready to pop out of their sockets, you'd see that the people around you are staring right back at you too cos you look like a fucking gigantic lump of crap that the alley cat dragged in on a bad BAD night.

Fuck the fellow commuters who love to squeeze into the trains in the morning at Jurong-bloody-East when it's so apparent that there's only an inch square of space near the doors for the damn air to slip through for ventilation which would otherwise, cause a mass choking frenzy at 8am in the morning.

Fuck you, the one i used to love and cherish because you've disappointed me time and again. I'm so over waiting for you now and the love that i once felt so deeply has now burnt away into bitterness and hatred. Yes darling, love is only a FINE line away from hatred.

Fuck you, ** for landing me in the shit that i'm in now.
For playing on my weaknesses.
For making me open myself up to you and causing my inhibitions to fade away. Slightly, at least.
For making me like you. For making me lose myself and my goals.
For making me sacrifice my freedom and my choice.
For blurring the lines of what's right and wrong.

And above all, fuck myself, as if i havent done so already HUH, for being myself.

And now for the thanks:

Thanks mum and dad, for loving me unconditionally even though i make you worry about me 24/7 for not returning your calls, not being there for you when you needed me to, for not being a responsible child and for LYING to you.

I fucking detest liars and i'm turning into one myself.

Thank you, my friends- Cal, sherm,WG- for being there for me when i needed someone to talk to.

Thank you, my pretend friends-dAr,HB,Bo-for cheating/lying/manipulating me and hence, strengthed me to become the empty creature that i am now.

I wish.

I wish i could be heartless so i could find comfort in cheating/fooling around.
I wish i could be irresponsible and go missing for a few days in my hermit hideout.
I wish i could be immortalised so that i don't have to grow old.
I wish i could be rich and famous and get the ladies.
I wish i could be wild and uninhibited so i could get wasted every night and live a wanderer's life. I wish i could look like a drop-dead gorgeous superstar so i'd be the apple of everyone's eyes.
I wish i could live a more colourful life and speak a thousand languages.
I wish i could travel around the world, experiencing a hundred other cultures.

I wish...

Sometimes i just wish that i could turn back time.

Your fool. God, i'm YOUR fool.

Stop playing me.

~ti amo

2007-08-24T01:19:00.000-07:00

What goes around comes back around.
I swear it does.
So don't be too condescending eh?
You reap what you sow.
Don't ask for too much.

Anyways, i had orientation tdy and it was ok i guess.
I managed to get to know a few new people.
Lots of eyecandy in school.

COOL! I might be looking forward to school after all!

2007-08-17T22:26:00.000-07:00

A lot has been going on these days.
I'm lost and slightly confused.
But i guess i'll just have to take things slow.
And learn to trust again?
Ok, maybe not really.
I wanna attain immortality and be truly cynical.
About the right stuff.

Cos i know i'll have to learn to deal with that special someone sooner or later.
But until then, i'm taking things easy.
Focus on my studies and work.

Relationship between my parents and i aren't that amicable nowadays.
I've got a really strong feeling they're gonna pop the BIG question soon.
Like real soon.
Dad was already starting to tell me stuff last night wheh i reached home at 2am.
They naturally got pissed off at me for all the late nights and stuff.
Not being at home except to sleep at night.
Treating the home like a hotel.

I'm feeling guilty.
I truly am. Whatamigonnado?

I can't go on like this for much longer.
I can't take it.
I dont WANT to take it.

Fuck it all.
Oh, and FUCK YOU.

(:

2007-08-17T21:15:00.001-07:00

YAY! Happy!!

WOOHOO.

Cos you're my everything. =D
And you mean the world to me.

~ti amo

2007-08-16T08:43:00.000-07:00

I never felt nothing in the world like this before
Now I'm missing you
& I'm wishing that you would come back through my door
Why did you have to go?
You could have let me know
So now I'm all alone,
Girl you could have stayed
but you wouldnt give me a chance
With you not around it's a little bit more then i can stand
And all my tears
they keep running down my face
Why did you turn away?

So why does your pride
make you run and hide?
Are you that afraid of me?
But I know it's a lie what you keep inside
This is not how you wanted to be

So baby I will wait for you
Cause I don''t know what else i can do
Don't tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life
Baby I will wait for you
If you think I'm fine it just aint true
I really need you in my life
No matter what i have to do
I'll wait for you

It's been a long time since you called me
(How could you forget about me)
You got me feeling crazy (crazy)
How can you walk away,
Everything stays the same
I just can't do it baby
What will it take to make you come back
Girl I told you what it is
& it just ain't like that
Why can't you look at me,
you're still in love with me
Don't leave me crying.

Baby why can't we just start over again
Get it back to the way it was
If you give me a chance
I can love you right
But you're telling me it wont be enough

So baby I will wait for you
Cause I don''t know what else i can do
Don't tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life
Baby I will wait for you
If you think I'm fine it just aint true
I really need you in my life
No matter what i have to do
I'll wait for you

So why does you pride make you run & hide
Are you that afriad of me?
But I know it's a lie what your keeping inside
Thats not how you wanted to be
Baby I will wait for you
Baby I will wait for you
If it's the last thing i do

Baby I will wait for you
Cause I don''t know what else i can do
Don't tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life
Baby I will wait for you
If you think I'm fine it just aint true
I really need you in my life
No matter what i have to do
I'll wait for you

I'll Be Waiting.

Nice song by Elliot Yamin. I read it while listening to the song on my friendster profile. WOOTS!
Andand, GALLERY! Emo songs are damn in these days.

2007-08-16T08:22:00.000-07:00

Moving on = having accepted reality, respecting the other party's decision and getting to terms with oneself.

Getting over it = stop thinking of how unfair the outcome is, stop feeling hurt and insignificant and finally, genuinely smiling.

I'm moving on, getting over it too.

STUDIES FIRST!!
Friends and family next!

Poor sebast. His gf's leaving him and her reason was that HE deserves someone better. Butbut, i find it absurd cos they've been rock steady for over 3 years alr and just a couple of days ago, i was telling him how impressed i was with that cos it seems tough to get a r/s going strong. It takes 2 hands to clap anyways.

SO SUDDEN! =(

Hope everything works out for him. Hang in there, dude. SMILE (:

Yes. I know. Cos you're fucking selfish.

2007-08-16T07:46:00.000-07:00

Went to the gym in the morning at the most unearthly time (ok, actually 9am isn't all that early but i'm just a MERE MORTAL after all!!) with PB lover.
Poor thing, i was late and she was early. So it turned out that when i met her at the station, she was already dozing off. And to think that she slept at nearly 1.30 am the night (or dawn) before!
I'm so thankful to have friends like that.

Yeah, friends who wear me out physically by making me do STUNTS in the gym like holding a rod with 10kg of iron across my chest and trying hard not to emit animal sounds from the sheer effort of it all.

Yes yes, my PB lover has GREAT upper body strength. Me? I shall stick to my lower body.
At least i've got JI TUI ok!! HAHA, inside joke.

After that, lunched with PB lover and then accompanied her to get her HAIRSPRAY. Gatsby, gatsby. I CAN GIVE YOU GATSBYYYYYYYYYYYY.

Intended to take a power nap but bimbo called and we chatted for a good half hour before we hung up and in the end i only had time for a 10 mins nap before having to shower and groom myself (sounds like a dog) to get ready for work.

Work was alright and Hanee offered to handmake a handphone strap for me! WOOHOO!

Oh, but closing with ___ is tiring to say the least. He's the only one who wants his staff to MOP the floor. Damn!

Working tmr at paragon for 5 hrs and then i'm free! Sat off but i've got no confirmed plans for anything yet. SIAN.

Quick, book me for stuff! Anything. Despo kia..

~ti amo

2007-08-15T09:31:00.000-07:00

whatamigonnawear????????????????????????

fuck fuck fuck. I NEED new clothes!!

Modelling career.

Being paid to strut your stuff.

How cool is that man?!!

Chewy! You still owe me a shopping spree! =p

2007-08-15T09:22:00.000-07:00

BIMBO!!

Hairstyling tips, diet tips, physical appearances and all.

We both wanna look weird!!

Woohoo spastic duo.

Dont be sad alr, i'll sing you that fave song of yours.

I dont wanna be a murdererrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

2007-08-15T05:47:00.000-07:00

It hurts, seeing all that.
But i'll take a deep breath
to forget.
it all.

Cos i'm happy when you are
even though you're drifting
way too far
from me.

And the memories hit me when i went for a run. Strangely enough, i could run for a long time judging by my almost stagnant lifestyle these days. All i needed was the right motivation, i realised. I run to forget my troubles, because the sheer extent of physical pain serves to mask the extreme pathos that digs at the pit of my abdomen.

Seek and you shall find.

If it's over, let it go and
come tomorrow it will seem
so yesterday, so yesterday
i'm just a bird that's already flown away.

Yes, i'm just the bird that's already flown away.

But i still..

~ti amo

2007-08-14T10:43:00.000-07:00

Fuck shite fuck shite fuck shite.

How on earth can this be happening?? It's been more than 2 months already and i thought you were over me? I hate this mess that i inevitably find myself submerged head-first in.

It's so suffocating.

But thanks to you, i don't feel like such a loser anymore cos at least i'm loved.

I've GOT to find a cool bunch of people to hang out with at school man, i really doubt i can pull through alone. 3 infuriatingly long years to my bachelor's degree. I hope i'll excel in planet Academia this time.

Trust me, i'm gonna give it my best shot.

2007-08-14T08:43:00.000-07:00

You made me whole again. I'm thankful for you, my dear.

2007-08-14T08:29:00.000-07:00

Don't give me crap.

thank goodness for friends who have been there for me. BB, bimbo, shan and a few others. I don't know what i'd do without them.

Gosh, i sure hope i wont end up like what bimbo and von described in SIM. Orientation on fri! Shit! Whatamigonnawear???

~ti amo

2007-08-13T08:40:00.000-07:00

Had a terrible day yesterday. Must have been the start of the you-know-what cheena month wreaking havoc on me.

Ok to start things off, my favourite BLING chain broke INTO 2!! Fuck shite, this has never happened before and the worst thing was that when i was still contemplating thrashing it, i noticed that the main BLING was missing and so that just compelled me to chuck it away. No hesitation. Just about 2 minutes after i threw my chain away, i stepped on something HARD.

The main bling.

And then i wondered why i even threw it away in the first place without bothering to look for the bling.

I have only myself to blame.

Second bad thing that happened was that my ring got scratched at several places and i didnt even realise it until ... told me about it.

Third thing was when meli and i cabbed over to ...'s place so i could talk to her face-to-face cos i was really confused and yet worried about her. Plus, i couldnt see her expression when she called me in the morning to ask about stuff. I needed to see her face when she said those things.

We ended things. I thought it was all going to be ok, and we could be friends. I really thought so.
But what really hurt me was when she told me she's starting to develop feelings for ... too. As a friend, i could only tell her to go for it. But deep down inside, i was cringing like crazy.

I totally felt an out-of-body sensation when i was talking to her on the phone, telling her to go for ... and that i'm getting over ...

It's the hardest thing i ever had to do.
To look you in the eye.
And tell you i don't love you.
It's the hardest thing i ever had to lie.
To show no emotion when you start to cry.

I was willing to take a step further and get to know you better but i guess i'm too insignificant to you such that you can just give me up that easily.

I was willing to lose it all, just to be with you.

I had such high hopes of us. And they're all dashed into smithereens now.

But i hope we can truly just be friends. Just don't ignore me.

Ok wait, i think it may be time to acquire new friends or just go begging for those friends whom i neglected to hang out. HAHA!

LOSER!

~ti amo

2007-07-31T08:31:00.001-07:00

Shall update my blog lest B.I.M.B.O lambastes me about it becoming obsolete.

BUT I'M STILL NOT GOING TO CHANGE THE SONG OK! I KNOW IT'S NOISY AND ANNOYING, JUST LIKE ME!!

Haha!

Met up with the Dwarves AT LONG LONG LONG LAST on fri. BIMBO and i met up first as usual and did a bit of shopping. I bought foundation and bronzer but i dunno how to use the latter properly! It just ends up looking weird on me. Wrong shadowing technique, i guess.

Dined at that place which i can't remember the name of (some branch of Billy Bombers at cine) and the only takeaway i've had and am going to have from that place is that I'M NEVER GOING BACK. NEVER!

Pathetic menu choices and dismal dishes they cooked up for us. Cherie and i had the sauteed beef with peppers and onions wrapped in a toasted pita served with mixed nachos on the side while leona had the chicken wrap.
Dumb bimbo had that equally dumb-sounding HIP ROOSTER! It should be described as "so tough, it's hip!" in the menu!
Susu and zoe had guess what..fish n chips! SOOO predictable =x

LOL! i really missed the dwarves then. I really hope i can get to know ppl like that in sch, speaking of which, is starting in aug! I mean lessons. HAHA!

Gotta go study for my basic theory now! Test tmr and i only have myself to blame for procrastinating for the last couple of months. EEPS.

~ti amo

2007-07-20T09:33:00.000-07:00

GOING BROKE SOON!

Apparently, the more i work, the less income i rake in cos i spend the bulk of it on..guess what, the very clothes in my store! Well, the hefty 40% discount really DOES come in handy so, i always say, why waste it?

Oh and recently, i got to thinking again. Getting a lill depressed every time i think of it and i really don't know what i want. Do i need friends? I guess deep down inside i'm more of a loner or perhaps today's just one of my "down days". PMS. Isnt that what most people attribute bouts of depression to anyway?

It seems like EVERYONE'S trying to get me puffing the ol' nicotine straw. WTH. What's so fucking cool about being chained to those little sticks of tar-slash-butamine-slash-nicotine-slash-lots of other weird CHEMICALS i will never understand. I thought i was way past the age of juvenile peer pressure? Gosh..it's so ludicrous it actually is amusing. The one thing I shall never try is smoking. It decolourises your teeth (and who the hell in their right mind wants to kiss people with breath like a dinosaur's-ie ANCIENT BREATH) , costs a fortune (if you're unfortunate enough to be so reliant on that stuff) and most importantly, KILLS YOU AND EVERYONE ELSE WHO SHARES THE SAME AIR AS YOU. So be responsibe, petition for more public smoking rooms to be built on the streets so that smokers can all congregate in a single location and inhale their elixir of life and shorten their lifespan together, leaving the rest of the world in a much more pristine state, thankewverymuch. Other than that, i'm quite open to experimentation. Even carpet munching..?

Oh, but of course i'm not trying to lambaste or criticise anyone in particular, it's just that i'm adequately fed-up (in both sense of the term) with people who try to angle me into puffing with their LAME psyching strategies of propagating what THOSE LOSERS believe is cool to them to people who could hardly care less (ie me). Really!

Ok enough ranting. Shall go to bed soon alr. As if 11 hours of standing up facing customers aren't enough to shorten my lifespan, i have to even KILL myself with trying to negate their untruths.
NITE!

~ti amo

2007-07-09T09:04:00.000-07:00

FIRST day of work at my new job today!

Yes, i'm officially working part time at Celio, The Paragon now, retailing in the men's wear fashion boutique. From what i hear, the store is actually a franchised outlet from the main branch in France and goddamn it, they have nice clothes alright?

So nice that i've set my eyes on 3 tops already but i dont get the staff privilege unless i'm working full time and that is also if you're part of the 'confirmed staff'.

So i guess i can kiss the hefty 40% discount goodbye?

NO WAY!

I'm considering switching to working full time once i get the confirmation letter from SIM in the mail and if i'm starting my course in Jan then i definitly will switch to FT.

Oh oh and i felt so loved today cos dar, gay and dotdotdot fetched me from work , sent me nice smses before i left FOR work, as well as accompanied me for the rest of the night. SO TOUCHED! Gay's first day of work tmr, shall return the favour! Ooh..and it's so great that we're both working at Paragon. YAYNESS.

Working 5 hours tmr then it's party time again! Cabbing is SO EX!

I've got mixed feelings about the zouk event on thurs night. Should i or should i not? That's some question.

~ti amo

2007-07-04T08:27:00.000-07:00

Went to scout for jobs (eeoowww, why does that sound as dirty as dogs scouring for leftovers in bins?) with gay gay, wifey and dotdotdot today at ...guess where? Velocity and United square. Oh, and as usual, the 2 tootheads were tempted by the irresistable urge to squander money at the arcades.

Go figure. I guess it's an inside bung thing?

I just don't get it anyway.

We applied to work at Celio and the one interesting take-away from there was that the manager actually asked if i mind trimming my hair a slight bit if i got shortlisted cos she said grooming is of "utmost importance in the retail/service line". I found that really insulting cos i've always seen myself as well-groomed and that really threw me off a bit, so much so that i was on the double looking for another job somewhere else.

Wifey called qian nian lao yao up and i totally regretted letting her do that cos now she thinks i'm too FUCKING SCARED of her to call her up. SHit, then she's got the upperhand now. Damn it. I'd love to see the day i sue the pants off her. WAHAHAH

Oh, but i didnt regret going over to Honey's lovenest with the rest cos we had great fun over there, just chatting, and swearing at the dopes on teevee. Woo, that's a slice of freedom all dykes dream of, i guess. I really envy them.

Going for more job interviews tmr and i'm rather desperate to get a job the 3 of us are suited for, and in the hopeless bid that we'll end up working tgt. Sheesh, i hate that i'm so needy. HAHA

FUCK QIAN NIAN LAO YAO!!

~ti amo.

Random note: i love going to partyworld alr. Sheesh. Sleeping with the enemy man.

2007-06-29T09:11:00.000-07:00

Just came home from the most fulfilling shopping trip i've had in weeks! I've acquired a new pair of BAGGY jeans (courtesy of gay gay), a loud clubbing shirt and a pair of berms, which is embarrassingly, my one and only. The damage only amounted to about $70+, which is a far cry from my terribly unfulfilling (outside of rummaging through the bargain racks) shopping sprees at Topman.

I'm so sick of idling around everyday, with seemingly no other aim except to shop around or chill out with acquaintances. I think the only remedy for me now to salvage at least part of the damage i've done to the gaping abyss of a hole in my bank account is to get a well-paid job. Something around $10 per hour should suffice?

Desperate situations call for desperate measures.

I'm over YOU.

~ti amo

2007-06-26T02:52:00.000-07:00

I NEED to re-embark on my excercise regime. It seems that i've put on some weight and my jeans are a little more fitting than is comfortable. GOD! I'm SOOO going to run everyday of the week since i'm in between jobs right now and pop some pills. The nutritionist at Nature's Farm and GNC recommended a pretty good formula for gradual weight loss and i'm contemplating getting one of those carb-blocker pills as well as protein powder to complement my work-outs.

I hope it helps.

Anyway, i just went to pay dearest Sher a visit at her workplace. LOL!
Nah, her boss gave me a vague breakdown of my supposed work scope in an accent-British, was it?-that was a tad bit too strong for me to comprehend totally and after a while, i guess my discomfort showed visibly and he finally stopped going over the minute details. Sher looked like she was about to fall asleep too. HAHA

That toot BIMBO po just cackled over the phone for a good 10 seconds, making me guess who the caller was. =_=
Anyway, she called to bitch about SOMEONE and her *ahem* figure. Bah zhang figures are in this season.

Meeting her tmr!

I HEART ashley whatshername. The blonde-haired bimbo from high school musical. She's SO hot! Oh, and that lead actor Zac looks like a typical high school dopey guy. =_=

Guy asked me the dreaded question at 1am this morning. Sorry, i don't go out with people who propose with "You wanna be my girl?" at unearthly hours of the day. Or night, for that matter.

Ok, i sound like a bitch but yeah, i AM one so shoot me.

~ti amo

2007-06-20T00:13:00.000-07:00

I've been avoiding everyone but my bestie Chewy ever since the last day of work mainly because i really needed some down time and i suppose it's partly due to pre-menstrual symptoms. Whatever people may think, i DO feel a tad guilty for "ps-ing" you guys. Twice, to boot. Sorry bro(s)!

I'm finally sorting out my academic route and i'm not going to give it another thought lest i bungle it up again. It's ironic how i used to lambaste and criticise zhu ling for her vehemently indecisive streak and here i am, the pot calling the kettle black.

Went out with bestie Chewy and Yuting yesterday to shop on the pretext of celebrating Yuting's bday. In advance! For once, i did a whole lot of window shopping and didn't purchase "everything in the window, pls". Ok, slight exaggeration there but you get the idea. That brings me to think about my paycheck which leads me to how that qian nian lao yao has so brazenly fraudulated the ENTIRE staff's pay in one way or another. I just read a small titbit of information from the official MOM website which i can use against THE MANAGEMENT if that lao yao refuses to pay me by this week. Wait and see. No way am i going to let her lord over me since i'm already estranged from duties to that crap company.

On a lighter note, i'm having The Besties over for a home-cooked dinner (by me, no less!) tmr and coincidentally, my goody-2-shoes sis just reminded me of Nick's bday party so i suppose it'll turn out to be a meal cooked by my maid but supervised by me! =p

~ti amo

Note to self: I will not proceed to watch TV and burn the pheasant.
I will not try to poke into the poor bird every 5 mins in child-like enthusiasm.
I will not beat the eggs with shell fragments in them.
I will remember to wash the veggies.
And most of all, i will remember where i put the first aid kit and also, the number of the nearest hospital lest Chewy suffers from severe heartburn/indigestion.

The booze!

2007-06-14T17:09:00.000-07:00

I can't believe i'm blogging at 7-fucking-am in the morning.

Zouk was terrific and the atmosphere was especially electrifying last night, with great music and lots of eyecandy abound. Oh and yeah, i know i can't dance ok! I mostly just jerk about and we gave up embarrassing ourselves after a while and went up to the bar area to drink and eyeball the hotties. Mk and i both agreed that all the good-looking people seemed to have gathered together for that one night only cos usually it's hell finding a cute bung/hot femme.

WE GLOWED!

And hahaha, my teeth glowed in the dark too! Surprise surprise.

I've officially developed blisters between my toes, need to get myself one of those 'glove socks'.

Went to meet up with Lawrence at macs after that and he actually cabbed down all the way from PASIR RIS to BUGIS just for me. I'm really touched.

Sorry, you know i can't. And i totally agree with what mk said. Which part of "not" and "straight" do you not understand? I'm confused now.

I guess i'd better catch a few winks before going to the beach later. Sorry i absolutely can't bring myself to lug my zombiefied shell to sentosa at 10am in the morning. WHAT AN UNEARTHLY HOUR!! Ok maybe only to me.

Yay, meeting up with dearest chewy and YUTING etc on mon! It's incredible how she can manage to drag that lazy bum out of the house. THREE CHEERS FOR CHEWY!

And no, i'm not going to go hip-hip hooray-ing.

~ti amo

2007-05-24T10:32:00.001-07:00

Never again, dear me. NEVER AGAIN.

The weather hasn't been too kind to me these days. Obstinate me refused to listen to my maid and insisted on not bringing my BROLLY along when i went out to work cos the sky still seemed pretty clear up NORTH. And damn, as luck would have it, it was bloody pouring buckets by the time i reached Dhoby Ghaut and i'm pretty sure i entertained the surly looking guards at Istana with my antics. Imagine dashing along the roadside just outside the House of Governance, sheltered only by a RED polo tee with DR MARTENS' AIR WAIR technology shoes printed across in bold. Highly entertaining indeed.

Of course, i looked like a drowned duck by the time i reached my workplace and naturally too, my colleagues all teased me. Drowned "chao ji sai ya ren", they say. Sheer lack of sympathy, i say. Only toot beng bought me my fave HONEY & LEMON strepsils! So thoughtful of him! LOL

Oh, and he promised to bring me to Vancouver for a year-long stay after i'm done with my studies. Either that or to Taiwan, his birthplace for a holiday if i wanted to. =_=
I still barely know him. HAHAHA. My bro.

Both of us have some problems with our right knees and this is how the 2 of us will typically speak of the same scenario.

Law: "kan ni na beh ji bai, my right knee hurts like fuck!"
Me: "What the hell, i fucking busted my right knee!"

I find it hilarious that he can switch from being so crude and vulagr with his spew of long obscene-sounding hokkien to his vancouverian accent when chatting with Caucasian customers. Well, i usually wouldn't be caught dead CONVERSING with a low class shite hooligan but he's definitly not. He's the most loyal guy i've ever seen in this decade actually. As long as you're not on his bad side or he'll just bestow upon you his fave phrase. "HIONG GAN"

GSS has started and ALL of us were so frigging busy we didnt even have time for dinner until about 9pm. Oh and that SLEAZEBALL of a colleague who's fat and ugly but sleeps around with hot babes (don't ask me how/why, i find it incredible as well) bought me a frappe at starbucks after work after i declined a proper drink cos i'm too bloody scared to go ANYWHERE that sells alcohol with him. Trust me, threesome, foursome, gang bang etc, he's done them all. And yes, he's STILL short, fat and ugly and yet he claims that he doesnt pay for sex. I WONDER..

Ok, i know it's not safe to be badmouthing my colleagues (actually just one) but what the heck, that's what i told him face to face anyway! =p

Off again tmr. Have to think of somewhere to go again. Singapore is too bloody small!!

Thailand/HK/taiwan shopping trip!

My mum's bringing me to...SUNWAY LAGOON.
=_=

~ti amo

2007-05-19T06:06:00.000-07:00

Just back from the beach with sher and shuchen dearest with their friends and friends of friends.

A few random tidbits from our day at Sent-o-sa.

#1: Shuchen siao's bro looks like an EXACT replica of her, albeit a slightly more masculine masculature of course.

#2: Sher's mate's (weishan, was it?) friend is frigging voluptuous!

#3: We all agreed that sher looks like a celebrity who's seeking some desperate time out as she puts on her full ensemble/disguise at the beach, complete with CANCER PATIENT CAP and GARGANTUAN ELEPHANT shades.

#4: I got MILDLY tanned. I'd also like to bring up the fact that i DID use my banana boat with apparently NO desired outcome. It's SO completely unjustified that sher-the-toot should get darker when she's the one who always jinxes us with the weather. *rolls eyes*

HAHAHAHA

Went to get my hair trimmed and coloured again but i think my hair's TOO SHORT now! My bald spot is painfully obvious from the back! ARGH!

Hey hey, i THINK there IS another intake later this year for polytechnics and with a lot of luck and finger crossing, i may even be eligible to apply for that! Am so gonna call the admin people up to find out.

Work work and MORE horrid work for the next 3 days (the usual dreadful period) before my next day off again. DWARVES OUTING ON WED!! Hope all things go well for us this time round. MISS em!

2007-05-17T10:22:00.000-07:00

Alright now. I've officially abandoned my other blog and switched to this one mainly cos i got too irritated my the "wrong gateway" whatnot error for that blog.

Today: Bloody "qian nian lao yao" didnt allow me to quit earlier. I was somewhat amicable when i 'requested' to leave 2 weeks earlier than the stipulated date i put in writing and she delved straight into her usual speech mainly entailing how we as employees should always put the company's best interests as top priority and other crap along those lines.

TELL ME WHY THE HELL I SHOULD DO THAT WHEN THE FUCKING COMPANY DID NOTHING FOR OUR WELFARE? ALL THEY CARE ABOUT IS THEIR BLOODY SALES.

I'll give them zero sales if they dare start to get on my case, i tell you. Just watch me. Idiots.
I have the upperhand anyway and if i decide to forfeit my pay (which is too pathetic to be mentioned, not lest i want to hold my head up high anyways) and just go MIA, THEY will be the ones to suffer. ONLY 1 other cashier left. HAHAHAHHAHA!

How do you fight with logic like that right?

On another note, i'll most prolly be going to a poly soon to pursue a dip in hosp&tourism/ resort&travel etc. Either that or mass comm. If i were to be just another boring old fag hag, i'll take up that bachelor of science in Business Admin but i guess i'll probably not be able to sustain through the first sem. Those few weeks at Chanel were enough to kill any desperately deviating thoughts i have about taking the easy (not to mention shorter) way out and go to SIM but nevertheless, i'm gonna give the admin ppl at NUS and NTU a call before deciding.

NTU, NTU..

-fingers fucking crossed-

BAD MOOD today.

2007-05-17T10:06:00.000-07:00

Testing. My NEWFOUND blog. A blast from the past. Yes, literally.