.:Insomnia:.

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Looking back to my post of a year ago, I realise that I've grown up. As a person, I mean.
I HAVE let my parents down and what touched me the most is the amount of parental love the same noble people who gave life to me have continued showering me with, despite the countless times that I have gone against them and slammed their own words right in their faces.

Dad, mummy, I'm sorry.

Other words simply escape me - nothing can express the amount of remorse I feel for what I've done. I just wish that there could be some way to reimburse them of their pain. When I see how much my mum has aged in just the last couple of years, or how my dad's condition has worsened, I ask myself over and over again, is this all worth it?

The short answer is of course a resounding NO.

But as with most other problems, I face a fierce dilemma and am at a loss for words, ideas, solutions. How do I get my life back on track and confront the problem? I kow it's there, people tell me it's there, but WHY can't I just bloody get rid of it?

I'm standing in between 2 walls, each with a 50 inch, razor-sharp point staring point-blank, back at me. Any closer and I'll be crushed to death. I can't breathe.

You say you love me, but do you, really?
I'm tired of being the one who's always there, to always catch you when you fall, be there to assist when you're in trouble, coax you when you're in one of those moods.
I'm sick of feeling terribly alone, even though you're right next to me.

Just feeling jaded.

6:29 AM

I don't feel the same way anymore.
Maybe it's not supposed to work out after all.
If I can only trace who's to blame,
Then I will finally smuff out this last flame.

6:21 AM

Friday, January 18, 2008

And now..

I've finally gotten past the FIRST week of school. Damn, FOURTEEN more of this??!!!

It's been quite a week indeed. That talk with my parents yet again and their suggestion that i see a psychologist because i'm ABNORMAL bugs the hell out of me.
Firstly, just because i've decided to come to terms with my own sexuality after nearly a decade of hiding in fear and guilt of my own feelings doesnt mean that i'm any less of a human than anyone else is.
In fact, i'd like to think that people like me, who have come out to others who hold the utmost importance in their hearts are worth more so now than before.
At the very least, we've got the COURAGE and SELF-WORTH to come to terms with it and not leave in constant denial. I know that it may seem too much of a blow to you, but i hope that you'll eventually come to accept me for who i am, if not for the fact that you're my parents, that you've brought me up for 19 odd years now.

Speaking of which, i really don't understand why you believe so much in that dumb, cliched maxim of yours. That one can only slowly learn to do good in 3 years and yet, can undo all of that learning in just 3 days. WHAT CRAP!!!
If you're CONCERNED enough for the past 5 years or so, you, as my parents, WOULD HAVE noticed that i wasnt happy being who i was and that it was all forced camaraderie. You WOULD'NT have automatically ASSUMED that my friends from UNIVERSITY led me astray just because of the MERE COINCIDENCE that i've decided to come out to you this year.

Would YOU have been so encouraging of my JC friends if i'd come out in my final year then?
FOOLS!!!

How many gazillion times do i need to explain to you? I reinstate once again that i truly do understand your shock and utter disappointment, guilt and shame, even, for having me, your child, as a lesbian. But am i less of a human than YOU?
If you can think out of that TINY, MINISCULE window of yours, and see that the world is more diverse than you'd have thought, and that many things are fluid and flexible, perhaps you'd realise that I, as your daughter, has indeed matured into a THINKING, RATIONAL adult, and it's not a fucking PHASE, as it may seem to you.

You said that i'm the root of all the problems that have been surfacing recently, i say bullshit.
It's your lack of adaptibility and stubborness that's making life so difficult for all of us. It's not as if i havent tried to level with you, you just wouldn't listen.

Get out, didnt you say to me?
Fine, i'll get out of your lives once i'm financially able to.
I swear. And yes, maybe i SHOULD go see a psychologist/psychiatrist because you drive me up the wall. And no, i didnt choose to be on this route.

God made me who i am. YOU made me who i am.
So who's to blame? Me or you?

~ti amo

7:34 AM

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

I.HAVE.NO.LIFE.

ZERO.NADA.

Everything i do is getting to be so routine and humdrum, it's driving me up the wall. Yeah, the same wall that i get driven up every single time i get emo and tell myself to stop feeling sorry for myself and actually get up and do something to rectify it.

Theoretically.

Plus, it really doesn't help that the new semester's starting in a matter of days. to be honest, i'm DEFINITELY not ready to go back to school, attending lectures and rushing through tight deadlines and crazy schedules.

One word. MADNESS!!

I won't be able to spend as much time with LP next week already cos she'll be occupied with work at the new company while i'll be performing a major feat by splitting myself into several places, namely school, and the homes of 3 very uhm..different tutees while juggling my other commitments like friends and family.

Bahh. I'm getting depressed again just by mentioning the last thing. Yes, the F word.
I haven't spouted a single word to my either of my parents in days although we're living under the same roof. I havent seen my sister in days either and the only one i see everyday is my maid.
How bad can things get you ask?

Oh, pretty dire, i say.
I see my mum-in-law more than my own mum and i've even forgotten how my DAD sounds like. CHEEEEEEEEE!!

*AHEM*

ANYWAYS, i've been spending loads of time with LP since erm..i dunno when? We watched I Am Legend at cine yesterday and caught the evening slot for Queen Lizzie today, the latter cos there werent any other shows that were of any remote interest to the both of us. Frankly speaking, the flick wasnt all that good either. Rather blah, without any of the sizzle and fizzle that makes me tick. TEH!! Next please!

Oh oh, and LP got her lashes done today!
Like FINALLY~ (with a bimbotic -LY to it)
She looks so sweet and pretty now luh!
Shemakesmemelt.

=D

Well, i gotta go pee now and wait..it's (checks the clock) 2 am now so TATA!!

ZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

9:17 AM

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

*ahem*

THIS IS A RARE UPDATE IN VIEW OF THE FESTIVE SEASON AND THEREFORE ABUNDANT FREE TIME DUE TO THE BLOG OWNER'S LACKLUSTRE ENTHUSIAM IN FINDING WORK.

ALL DISCLAIMERS ARE THEREFORE DIECLAIMED FIRST.

It's been almost what, 2 months since yours truly here had the time to type in anything to post online.
Yes, not even the singular word "anything'.

The process of logging in, typing out the word, posting it seemed too exhausting and impossible at the time when i was rushing deadlines for project presentations, mugging up for quizzes and then the finals, spending time with my gf and entertaining familial committments (albeit not that often).

Now that the finals are over and not even a trace of work from the preparation for our presentations lingers, i'm finally free to delegate time for myself. Laopo got a job at her friend's workplace and i really hope it will work out for her because it's going to be a huge step for the betterment of our future together. I really hope that it'll not be like the last time round when it was all too fleetingly soon that she decided to throw in the towel and call it quits.
Her getting involved in a full time office job also gives me some breathing space and allows me the opportunity to spend some down time with friends.

TIME TO CATCH UP, BABES!!

Just went to do my xmas shopping with xiaomei and i've managed to buy gifts for just about everyone in my clique at school. Hope they'll appreciate what i got for them!

Going to stay over at grandma's tmr night if i dont feel like going home. It's just another means of getting to spend time with her after sooooo long and catch up! Hari Raya celebrations (we so wanna be like the malays and celebrate the festival luh! =_= ) at her place on thurs! Prob gg to accompany laopo to mummy Sean's house tt night or go watch po perform at Zouk.

Nothing on Fri! Need to dig out some babes to go hang out tgt! =D

Chalet on sat and sun! Hope the ones who said they'll turn up actually do so and bring the stuff with em! Going to attend my very first midnight mass at a church with laopo!

All i want for xmas is... : for my parents to come to terms with who i am and understand what i'm going through. I don't ask for acceptance but i just hope for them not to be giving me hell all the while. It'll be hard on me too.
And please, show my other half some respect. Treat her as you would treat my other half regardless of the gender. I really don't see what the big deal is. As long as we both love each other, does gender really matter?

Straight couples get STDs. They are as prone to getting AIDS as much as us lesbians. Gay men probably more but get this, I'M NOT A GAY MAN. I don't indulge in promiscuous sex and neither does my partner so if that's what you're so hung up about, let me just set the record straight once and for all. WE'RE CLEAN.

Straight couples may eventually file for a divorce even if they DO get married so i don't see what the fuss is about getting married. (although laopo will probably kill me for saying this cos she wants me us to get married eventually. EEPS! The dreaded C word.)
The adminstrative stuff is enough to make you wanna tear your hair out as it is, fighting and lobbying for civil rights is a bore. With a capital B.

Straight couples may have relationships as volatile as lesbian and gay couples (although WE have much more FUN making up/out after the storm! HEH!) so don't give me crap about how lesbian relationships are so shallow and they tend to not work out eventually.

etc etc etc..

So children, be magnanimous, open up your heart and mind and be enlightened. Sexuality is fluid. Gender is merely a physical characteristic, one that is akin to one's hair colour, skin tone and the like. It does not dictate what love is about because love is an art so abstract, to restrict its manifestations should be a SIN in itself as forcing 2 lovers apart is comparable to breaking up a family.

Be proud, stand up loud.

~ti amo

10:06 AM

Saturday, October 20, 2007

Much has happened since our virgin meeting nearly 2 months ago.

In retrospect, it HAS been quite a miraculous journey. We met in the strangest of places and with a clash of fate, we got acquainted and before we knew it, our wonderous love affair kicked off, albeit not exactly with a bang but more of a resounding string of i'm sorry i loved yous. 4 (or was it 5?) breakups in 2 months may not be a good sign of our future to come but it definitely taught me to appreciate you a lot more and treat you in the way that you deserve, not like garbage, as a CERTAIN SOMEONE has so kindly pointed out (to you).

Bitterness aside, thank you, SOMEONE, for being there for us when issues arise and arguments seemed endless. I guess i'm just being taken over by Mr Green Eyed monster and that explains the bitterness.

You've sacrificed much for me, now's the time for me to make things right.

20th October 2007. Our new beginning.

I promise i won't stray and play around anymore.

Let this be the start of something new,
it feels so right to be here with you.
My knees they yield,
And with love, our passion renewed.

The more i look into your eyes,
the softer they become
and it's as if i can see your life story unfold,
as my inhibitons come undone.

I love you more with each passing day.

This is i swear.

Let our love be forever. Until my life is through...come what may.

10:38 AM

Friday, October 12, 2007

Baby i will wait for you.
Cos i don't know what else I can do.
Don't tell me you ran out of time.
If it takes the rest of my life.

9:46 PM

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Yesterday was National Coming Out Day in the states.

Happy Coming Out, everyone!

Or not..?

I've made up MY mind.

9:20 PM

Yes, it's rant time. Biatch from hell is back and fiercer than ever cos there's been a 2-month pile-up of frustration and spite and darling, something's gotta give.

Go now if you want, it's a free world. Tonight.

Yes fuck to you, miss ____ cos i fucking hate your disgusting fake lashies and the way you stick your stubbornly single eyelids to your upper lid line to fake double eyelids cos it's just so fucking revolting, the way you look.

Fuck to you too, you random stranger from the streets who stared at me as if you haven't seen a cute andro/bung like me before. If you'd take a moment's rest to stop staring till your eyeballs are ready to pop out of their sockets, you'd see that the people around you are staring right back at you too cos you look like a fucking gigantic lump of crap that the alley cat dragged in on a bad BAD night.

Fuck the fellow commuters who love to squeeze into the trains in the morning at Jurong-bloody-East when it's so apparent that there's only an inch square of space near the doors for the damn air to slip through for ventilation which would otherwise, cause a mass choking frenzy at 8am in the morning.

Fuck you, the one i used to love and cherish because you've disappointed me time and again. I'm so over waiting for you now and the love that i once felt so deeply has now burnt away into bitterness and hatred. Yes darling, love is only a FINE line away from hatred.

Fuck you, ** for landing me in the shit that i'm in now.
For playing on my weaknesses.
For making me open myself up to you and causing my inhibitions to fade away. Slightly, at least.
For making me like you. For making me lose myself and my goals.
For making me sacrifice my freedom and my choice.
For blurring the lines of what's right and wrong.

And above all, fuck myself, as if i havent done so already HUH, for being myself.

And now for the thanks:

Thanks mum and dad, for loving me unconditionally even though i make you worry about me 24/7 for not returning your calls, not being there for you when you needed me to, for not being a responsible child and for LYING to you.

I fucking detest liars and i'm turning into one myself.

Thank you, my friends- Cal, sherm,WG- for being there for me when i needed someone to talk to.

Thank you, my pretend friends-dAr,HB,Bo-for cheating/lying/manipulating me and hence, strengthed me to become the empty creature that i am now.

I wish.

I wish i could be heartless so i could find comfort in cheating/fooling around.
I wish i could be irresponsible and go missing for a few days in my hermit hideout.
I wish i could be immortalised so that i don't have to grow old.
I wish i could be rich and famous and get the ladies.
I wish i could be wild and uninhibited so i could get wasted every night and live a wanderer's life. I wish i could look like a drop-dead gorgeous superstar so i'd be the apple of everyone's eyes.
I wish i could live a more colourful life and speak a thousand languages.
I wish i could travel around the world, experiencing a hundred other cultures.

I wish...

Sometimes i just wish that i could turn back time.

Your fool. God, i'm YOUR fool.

Stop playing me.

~ti amo

3:17 AM